“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
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I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Oops
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home