Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
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Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
What kind of a cult is this?
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Bed should get ready for ME
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this