if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
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No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I’m not average. I’m mean.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂