I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
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I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Who did it better?
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
What
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time