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I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Butt weight. There’s more!
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?