wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
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I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.