People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
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“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Tastes like chicken.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go