My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
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Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”