Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
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Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
the greatest twitter interaction
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!