The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
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What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Stick it to the man
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs