Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
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I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.