Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
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“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.