I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
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If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context