We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
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When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.