When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
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hey, alexa
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
huge valentines day plans this year!!
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it