[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
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I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Facebook Twitter
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.