Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
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Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough