I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
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[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
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Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?