Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
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11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Tier 3 meme
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?