Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
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you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*