*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
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[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
pep talk
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
The prophecy is fulfilled
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Admin smashed it 😂
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
much to think about
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.