I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
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I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up