Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
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Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
All excellent questions
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.