Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
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I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
The Wolf of Wall Street.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.