Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
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I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.