I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
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If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos