This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
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Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake