*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
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Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
*feels the wind in my toe hair
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down