Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
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DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.