GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
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I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
best review i’ve ever seen
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way