Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
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who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians