The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
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My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.