Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
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If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.