If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
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Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection