screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
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Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I gave up going to work for lent.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Lassie, get help!
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.