I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
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I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
The glory of fall.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.