Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
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Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.