After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
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the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
wait.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…