If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
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if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
when the buffet is more honest than your date
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”