How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Was it something I said?
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately