Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
You Might Also Like
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body