I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
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If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]