When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
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Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Why are bridges so flammable.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
how to have an accident 101
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.