The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
You Might Also Like
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
These are my roll models.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?