What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
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Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!