The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
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I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
do u think theres a butter planet?
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.