NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
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“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
“The Perfect Relationship”
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.