ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
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Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Finished stitching this today 😇
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
oh good, now I can stop drinking