Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
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I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins