Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
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I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
finally found a reasonable question
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Lol.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”